I have never officially been diagnosed with depression, and up until about a year and a half ago, despite all that I had gone through throughout my childhood I would have never really considered myself to be a person that suffers from depression. I don’t feel as though I suffered from any postpartum depression with any of my first 3 children. My hormones were out of whack but I wouldn’t say that I felt depressed, that was until I had my fourth child. I didn’t really realize that I was even suffering from postpartum depression until I had to go back to work. That is when it hit me like a lightning bolt, people at work could tell I was different and it really bothered me that they would even comment or ask me what was wrong. I did not want to be there, it all just felt so wrong, and to top it off, I have to be a manager of people! It was so hard to be a manager, to actually have to oversee people. I didn’t care what they did, I was so checked out. I did my best to fake it until I made it but that made my depression worse.
My fourth child was born in January of 2017, I went back to work in April of 2017. I made a few sad attempts to try a few different things that I once loved to do, things like, working out, or playing with the kids, cooking dinner. I just didn’t feel like me, I didn’t look like me, I didn’t have the motivation the old me had. It wasn’t until August when I took my annual girls trip and went to San Diego, that is when I started to feel a little more like myself. As soon as we came back I decided to get right, to get back to me, to take it one step at a time, and that is exactly what I did.
My job offers 10 free counseling sessions through a third party health and wellness facility. So I took advantage of this service and started seeing a therapist. Then I started working on my nutrition, then my body by adding in some workouts. I lost a total of 61lbs by April of this year and I never felt more amazing, confident and comfortable in my own skin.
My boyfriend of 8 years and I went on a trip to Punta Cana in April of 2018, it was such an amazing experience. After we got back I have been off and on with my health and fitness journey and have been focusing more on my spiritual self, my soul. I went back to meditation and self-development. I have been consistent with my meditation practice and self-development and self-discovery for the past three and half months now. Here we are, it is August again and I have been on the most incredible journey, and I have accomplished so much in the past year.
A few days ago I turned 39, a few days before that, maybe a week or two before my birthday, the depression came back and is still here. My boyfriend and I have not been getting along and have been having issues since our vacation. Things hit our worst in June, we started seeing a couples therapist, we have only seen her once so far and I didn’t expect things to be good right away but it only seems to be getting worse between us, we go to our second session tonight. But that leads me to now, my depression doesn’t want me to go, my depression doesn’t want me to do anything right now. Because of my depression, I didn’t do anything for my Birthday. Because of how low and unmotivated I feel, I am having a hard time sticking to my nutrition goals and motivating my success group. My depression doesn’t want me to go to work, I am really struggling with that daily. My depression is back, I didn’t know it would come back? Why is it back? What is triggering it? Is it because of the fighting with the boyfriend? Is it because I turned 39? I thought I was in a good place with my age? Am I always going to struggle with depression now? I have so many questions, and I don’t understand why I am back to feeling this way and I am not sure how to get out, but, I know that I will get out! I will continue to meditate, workout, watch my nutrition and not beat myself up when I slip. I will continue to work on me. I will continue to remind myself why I am grateful for my boyfriend and for our relationship, and I will continue to work on us. I will continue to push through this depression no matter how often it comes back. This feeling is just that, it is a feeling, a very low feeling, but it is only temporary, it is a temporary feeling and I will get through this.
I wanted to write about this today because today I am at my lowest and I am truly struggling. It is taking everything I have to be a mom today, to be just me today. I wanted to write about this today to let anyone out there reading this and is feeling the same way know that YOU are not alone, and WE can and will get through this together. I am not perfect, I have my days, my weeks, we just have to push through it. If you want or need to talk, feel free to reach out to me, to a friend, call a hotline, take a walk, whatever, just know that this feeling is only temporary and YOU are never alone!